Fuck my stupid brain! When will I just get to enjoy...what it is that i've got! There is nothing wrong absolutely nothing...except the nothing that's always been there and yet I just keep pressing for something i don't know that I can obtain. Fuck my brain!


Also Julie And julia was a fairly cute movie. I should really just go and hack out a chapter when things like this happen.

Is that both sides have very valid points and in the end there is no great impartial judge who can decide who was right. Existence has no judge save, God, if he does exist in the way shape or form that you believe; and whether or not you believe in him at all. So there either is or isn't.
Had a terribly heated discussion with my mother about religion tonight where I didn't say much and she said and read plenty. The strangest thing in all of this discussion is just how numb I felt through all of it, as she said things and as I said some things back some of which I know I should be regretful of. Normally I might have cried or gotten upset that was simply not the case tonight. Perhaps I'm just resigned to it now, the denial of acceptance. Even now I'm feeling very numb about the whole thing.My mother and I are at a spiritual impasse and she's not taking it well. And neither am I not really it'll probably burn fierce once the numbness wears off.
I just don't know about myself anymore I'm really not who I thought I was and I'm nowhere near who i'd like to be. Even though that's so, it doesn't mean I'm unhappy with myself. I am me. The only me that ever was and may ever be to my knowledge.
I don't believe in absolutes. The world doesn't operate in absolutes and I simply can't bring myself to see a god who also deals in absolutes. If life is the gift than it's meant to be used and that perhaps the best thing we can do in this life is try to obtain happiness to feel contentment in the good that we have and share our goodness with others.Beyond that the rest of it seems like nonsense and trappings to me. None of our experiences are invalid or sinful they just are.They lead to the next set of events both happy and sad and you can't in anyway hope to navigate them with your will or belief. I don't see that as a denial of God and just don't wanna reject the possibilities and the freedom that I personally have over my own actions.
The worse part about this age is that back in the head feeling that you're being a snotty little kid trying to deny vegetables. That your elders only want what's best for you, and that by denying their will you are being not only foolish but you're also stunting your growth. This is how I always feel when discussing things with my mother. It's like "well this is how I feel about this and what I think." and then her reply is "Ah, but you don't really know anything and I am right because you are wrong; but thanks for coming to play." to which I'm forced to reply "Yes, perhaps it is different because these are my thoughts and not yours which is fine that they're different." which gets capped by "Yes, you'd like to think so, but i thought those thoughts ages ago when they were fresh and I was wrong then just as you are now. I know for sure now." "But if you we're wrong before than how do you know you're ri..." "I just am"

and on and on and on
It's very tiring.
Going to the bookstore tommorow... so yea. There's that to look forward to.

So yes, I gots some money's for my schooling from the good old government today and I will have to hunt for more to pay the rest of my fees. But on the whole I am pleased. Mcad is surprisingly more reasonable than that other place it's almost like a crude parody of a life point I didn't live. Anyway, I need to go back to actively job hunting, my funds are as always low and I kinda did nothing this week but play around. My loneliness is getting at me again and facebook makes everyone else's life appear deceivingly fun. I need to stay away from it to avoid teenage brooding to the nth degree. My doggie smells wonderfully fresh back from the groomers and she once again looks like Falkor the luck dragon. I'm just glad she doesn't smell of fishy lady parts anymore, though I shall always have the memory of trying to milk her anal glands to take with me.

I need to find a way to not think so much in that negative nelly way. Or something bah screw it i'm gonna go play the sims


Later Days

SOooooo...I just got into MCAD. I'm still bloated and gross but it seems as if things are gonna be ok. Soooooo yea.

Its been confirmed. I'm the dullest most mediocre creature that ever lived. I'm feeling bloated and gross and unlovable. This waiting for rejection is killing me, I gotta plan what else I'm gonna do with my scuzzy. Cuz I'm pretty sure I'm getting rejected.I'm soooooo bored with work and the whole everything that I am really, but i'm starting to think it's just because i'm a highly boring person making myself miserable; well no not starting to think. I pretty much actually know. I'm turning into a fuzzy slab of belly fat. A hairy sad sack of self-pity. Though my despair no longer feels as deep as it used to. I suppose despair like faith weakens with the oncoming years or at least take more effort to maintain.

I think i'm really turning into a very bad person, or at least someone I rather dislike but this is nothing new. There's is nothing new with me. Nothing Nothing Nothing. Like I said I'm highly boring.

My foot are aching severely but at least i got a new bookcase to put together and the Mad Men episode wasn't too shabby.I used to really love the fall. But I'm starting to suspect that it really is the worst part of the year.

I just wanted to update this stupid thing.

Gosh! I hate working friday nights. Never do I feel such self-loathing as I do on those days. It's a passing madness but it fucks me up none the less. Had a pretty swell time working this morning with Melissa and John who are fun enough to tolerate my crazy pants ways and sometimes even join in. Summer is ending and I'm freaking the fuck out. I dunno what I'm gonna do with myself. My head is in a tizzy and i've been throwing mini fits trying to avoid facing the facts. Things that other's are saying are getting blocked up in my skull and i don't even know what to think anymore. Wrote a bit of a poem friday, I dunno if it's any good could possibly be a song. Feh no one likes my songs their too...old sounding and haphazard.

The fooking essay ain't going nowhere.I don't know how to state interest for something I can't even visualize happening. I feel so despondent about my own wants which are as always uncertain. I know what I don't want but as to what I do want no particular conclusions have been drawn. I've got so bunched up and wound tight I'm turning into some sort of adult child blathering nonsense and staring at my own knees. Am I some sort of crazy person who is unable to see things for what they really are or even who I really am? Where the fuck did all my resolve go? I had such fire in my belly back in May and now in August my will is wet and limp. I dunno perhaps it's because I know moving away won't be a fix to what's really wrong with me and that I'll still be me just in another place. Ugh I wanna be outside of myself for a little while, but there's no escaping me and my overall...drippiness!

Fuck it all. I'll try again Monday.
BTW...I had a big mac earlier today....thus the shitting of fire.

Soaking my feet in a bubble tub, reading sci fi while a poodle dog snuggles on my lap and fish and chips are being made in the kitchen. Is there a happier way to spend a Sunday evening?

I find whenever I have need to complain I always run into someone who has it far worse than me. Perhaps not far worse, but they tend to be going through something of which I have no good advice. Perhaps this is life's way of telling me not be such a weiner, buckle down and just fucking live. Either way money issues are causing me to avoid hanging out as much. Besides I gotta start getting serious about this school thing. All my hobbies will have to be on the back burner for now. I'm broke as a joke and it kinda sucks, but heavens knows I could be more broke.



Later Days.

Cleaning up a bathroom full chunky red sick at around midnight is a grand way to cap off an otherwise miserable day. I'd laugh about the cartoon way that my vomit storm came about we're my throat not burning and my eyes weren't dry from crying all day. My only comfort in this though is that I seem to able to shrug off days like these a little better than I used and I don't feel hopelessness with the same depth as I once did. Maybe that's maturing or something. My goal of the day was to write something even if it is a lame livejournal entry. So mission accomplished for the day. I also managed to exercise and shoots some pics for my portfolio. I've got a lot less than I'd prefer so i'll probably to whip more things together. Which is somewhat good as i have nothing but time to get back into the groove. So despite a day that was sprinkled in nervous tears and ended in red chunks i'm still feeling positive.



later days.

So I drove about town today with my, Mumsies, and sold all my old anime magazines and comics as well as some old fantasy books that were too boring to read at Half-Price books.My entire geeky teenage hood came out to about 16 dollars and considering what I have to show for myself at age 20 it seems about right in its worth. I rather hate driving. I always feel like there's a thousand things you must pay attention to or else you will die, and of course I never do manage to focus properly. Not to mention my mother and sister tend to make me feel like a dolt at even the less pressurized of times. Driving with them is no fun.
I feel sort of bad as my friends seem to be coming to the point of depending on me being able to drive in the place of, Daggot, which I dunno if I could be able to do. It's highly unfair that we've depended on her to be our transport these last two years no matter how much she claims to have enjoyed it. I realize this as she snapped at me last time we we're out that I need to get my fooking license.I tend to run away from being accountable tis a very bad thing. Even so I really don't think I'm gonna be a very casual driver. Not to mention that when I have to be put in charge I tend to turn into a tyrant. So we'll see where that gets me. My goal is to at least get the license before my birthday in the next two weeks or so. This heat is terrible, I can feel it zapping my energy from me like so much kryptonite from a superman. I had terrible chest pains this weekend while I was working, and felt an alarming degree of fatigue. Gotta stay hydrated to the max I guess to battle Texas heat.

Drove to the comic book store and got a grip of awesome comics. I guess I won't give up on Uncanny afterall...maybe I'm intrigued by the big old swictheroo that Emma Frost seems to be going to pull.
Plus I wanna see where Beast and the X-club are gonna do about fixing the X-gene. Why the fook they aren't the main feature in this run I dunno. But the last 10 issues we're a teasing helping of blah we could've done without. I mean what's the point of having all your best bullets there if you're never gonna shoot the gun. Sure they brought Psyloche back but she's pretty much just shrubbery for now. The fables crossover was fun. X-force/Cable is pretty fucking crazy i still like where they're going with it and I want more. X-factor is still meh as fuck but that fucking charm keeps pulling me back. Astonishing X-men ghost boxes was weak as smythe. The art style is too ugly and cramped together to be functional as the action/mystery it was being sold as. There's supposed to be a lot of fights and action going on but the framing is mostly all self-indulgent close-ups of the heroes faces. So to compensate for that little crutch the artist has the action all happening in a clunky exposition of cluttered dialogue. The concept is super interesting but the art zapped it of any oomp. But all in all I enjoyed my comic pile.

I'm so so bored. Off to go find myself something crafty to do.



Later Days